Kagro in the Morning

David Waldman does his Tuesday KITM thing. As you are doing, right now. Donald K. Trump, that little ‘Gyna-tease, taco’d his China tariffs into Christmas buying season. As if he’d ever cross Xi Jinping, who’s quite a pussy-grabber himself. Trump’s off to Alaska, but he’s already given away his planned Putin bargaining chip. Meh, Trump is a bigger commie than the two of them put together, and a true innovator of corruption. Donald’s the Thomas Edison of Harold Hills, the Elon Musk of Elon Musks. He’s earned every cyberpenny he’s soaked from the rubes, no matter how many that may be. Who better, then, to crack down on crime? At least, the crime of being scary, young, brown, and/or homeless and in the line of sight of old, white, pussies, and/or tourists. It’s hard to fight back against fear, hate, bigotry... and cops. Republicans are getting used to being hated, maybe... a little turned on, maybe they’ll pass a couple more mega-bills and see how that feels. JD Vance must love being hated. Why else would he hang around Usha?

Monday and David Waldman return to varying degrees of anticipation. Greg Dworkin hauls in his latest Raft O’ Stories™ out of the fetid morass of ExTwitter. Let’s say that place sucks and you don’t like it. If so, you can follow Adam Carlson, Jacob Kornbluh, Lakshya Jain, Justin Wolfers, Scott Lincicome, Brian Rosenwald, John J. Harwood, and Jonathan Robinson on... BLUE SKY! You won’t find Andrew Cuomo there, but that’s not a bad thing. The Zohran Mamdanimentum seems unstoppable. If Andrew Cuomo wasn’t Andrew Cuomo he might have a chance, but the more people know about Andrew Cuomo, the more they want Zohran Mamdani. Donald K. Trump wants New Yorkers to think of Trump when they see Cuomo. The “think of Trump” strategy might work for Democrats in 2026, but not forever. Good news! If the US goes post-apocalyptic in the next few months, the Dems will be shoe-ins! Trump promised you that other countries would pay the cost of Tariffs… but did you get that in writing? The only thing Donald ever gets in writing are NDFs. If Trump doesn’t agree to anything he can claim anything. Trump is replacing the CHIPS act because it worked, it was Biden’s, and he wasn’t getting a taste, which is called “state capitalism with Soprano's characteristics”. Trump is now aiming his Epstein-Class missiles at any “drug cartels” of any country who haven’t nominated him for a Nobel recently. Winsome Earle-Sears blows reveille while the Feds march like Sherman through DC. Meanwhile, Donald’s crack “SS” Troops (Sydney Sweeney) infiltrate our beloved internet arguments.

David Waldman is back! No wait, I was gone, he was here. At least it’s Friday, right? A good guy without a gun stopped a bad guy with a gun at a place with a lot of guns. It sounds as if Trump oversold his trade deals a bit. He does have a tendency to overstate things. Trump showed reporters a poster with a line and numbers no one has ever seen before. Winning! Trump appointees sacked Judge James Boasberg’s contempt order against other Trump officials, prompting Senator Sheldon Whitehouse to explain the problem to Chief Justice John Roberts, who dropped the letter in the TLDR file, as he has some elections to rig.​​​​ DOJ senior advisor Jared Wise, called police “Nazi” and demanded their murder… but that was back when he was an impressionable youngster of four or so years ago. WNBA players aren’t paid what they are worth but certainly don’t need some incels’ hand-me-down dildos. Don Jr. gave his dad a dildo along with all the Skibidi rizz that, of course, entails.

It’s Thursday! That means Greg Dworkin is on his way out the door for the weekend! That’s OK. Congress is gone all month. Which might be why Democrats in that body aren’t doing what the latest “centrist” pundit says they ought to be doing… which is, of course, praising Trump. But under no circumstances must you hand it to Trump! The “idea,” we gather, stems from the Old School Media Playbook, which instructs that if a president says it and then it happens, it’s a “win.” Even if it’s an obvious disaster. But this particular “idea” also rests on multiple false assumptions. Like that Democrats have no electoral support. (They do.) Or that Trump is popular. (He’s not.) Or that his “policies” are wise and well-considered. (They’re not.) Or that members of his party benefit politically from his leadership. (They don’t.) Nope. He’s the same guy he’s always been. Plotting a coverup of his sex scandals. Firing people who won’t do his dirty work, or lie for his benefit. You know, the usual. Meanwhile, in Gotham… where Eric Adams is already corrupted by Trump, Andrew Cuomo seeks Trump’s counsel. And adds one of the least-respected consultants in the country to his team of duds, which is sure to make things worse. But he might not even be the dumbest Cuomo of the day! On the Jeffrey Epstein front: Jeffrey Epstein, Jeffrey Epstein, Jeffrey Epstein! Is there anything that can make this worse? Sure! Woody Allen! While we’re on the topic of public pervos, there’s still more (mysteriously less-than-disastrous) news about MAGA trainwreck Cory Mills. Why is this news less than disastrous, anyway? IOKIYAR, as the olds used to say, when they were young.

If we have to keep talking about Jeffrey Epstein, then at least let us hear more Tom Lehrer! Well, with Greg Dworkin on hand to round up the day’s news, that’s never a problem! Unless you’re Donald Trump, that is. Because people think that guy sucks! Though it may just be worse given his bad timing. Of course, it could also be, you know, his “policies.” Or his policy of firing people who report statistics indicating that his policies suck. Or pulling out all the stops to rig the system, all while crying loudly that it’s rigged against him. Or just maybe, the leopards he keeps sending to eat his voters’ faces. Or maybe lots of Republicans are going to “get Flooded” when the time comes, whomever or wherever they may be. Given how bad the landscape is for Trump and his Republicans, why would any Democrat or independent ever fall into the trap of praising him? Something happened to “Big Balls.” We’re just not sure exactly what. But we know it’s being used as an excuse for yet another moment of Trump extremism. But don’t let the extremism distract you from the revisionism! Whether at home or abroad. Really, you can’t miss either the revisionism or the egotism. Soon enough, it’ll be on display before the entire world. Know who else used the same play? Federal judges are getting fed up, though. And they won’t play. Learn about the “presumption of regularity,” how Trump killed it, and what happens when it’s gone.

It’s No Structure Tuesday, in the Second Trump Era! And a reality TV personality-turned-government official says they’re gonna put a nuclear reactor on the moon. And it wasn’t even the orange one! That’s the kind of day it’s been. Wait, here’s something more random and even dumber: Murdery Traitor Greene is lobbying Trump to commute George Santos’ sentence. At just 11 days into a 7+ year stretch. And if you believe that one, try imagining her leaving the Republican Party. Ha ha! Yeah. Sure, Jan. How could she ever leave when she’s still actively calling for Democrats to be investigated and arrested for… the 2020 election, Epstein, and… January 6th! Democrats! Pam Bondi, meanwhile, is back to investigating Democrats for… the 2016 election. Some grand jury, somewhere, is purportedly being convened by someone, to investigate… something. You know. Things! Returning to the lengthy profile of DOGE’s 23-year-old-in-charge-of-erasing-distinguished-careers, others are asking just how many people it can be said this Wunderkind killed. Good job, homeschooling! On the “international” front, Trump continues to say the world “deals” a lot. Are they “deals,” though? And are “deals” (as Trump defines the word) even a good thing in this context? Would he know how to evaluate a “good deal” even if he was capable of making one? Does it count if he just makes it all up? Stay tuned! I mean, the answer is “no,” but stay tuned to hear us say it some more, anyway.

It’s Monday! That means Greg Dworkin was here. And it means there was a weekend catch-up marathon on Trump’s “volatile side,” via the Abbreviated Pundit Roundup, and another installment in our more-popular-than-the-actual-hosts Tom Lehrer retrospective. Texas Republicans are redistricting. Yes, again! Or at least trying to. Dems are absenting themselves in order to deny them a quorum. Yes, again! Greg Abbott, meanwhile, says he’s trying to absent them from office. Trump’s stupid “policies” are starting to make the economy suck, and everybody knows it. So, you have to fire the knowers, or at least the tellers, starting from the top. Just like successful countries like Argentina do. Will that be enough to help MAGA forget about having their faces eaten by leopards? Perhaps, one day, their children will forget. If they ever have any. Everybody’s been talking about this blockbuster dissection of a Dem fundraising black hole operation. And everybody’s angry! But you may be pleased to know there’s a plan to make fundraising black holes angry, too. You thought Greg wasn’t going to say anything about the NYC mayoral race? Duh! They just polled the local space laser enthusiasts, to see what they’re thinking. You thought Greg wasn’t going to say anything about Epstein? Duh! Well, actually he didn’t. But he meant to! Trump’s hoping a different shiny object will distract people. Only this one’s about Obama, and not everyone thinks that’s so shiny, anymore. But dumbasses do! We’ll never run out of dumbasses! Not while one of ‘em is president, anyway! (Remember when I said he was probably choosing Oval Office portraits for the frames, with no idea who was in the paintings? Well, yeah!)

August! Only 25 Patreon-PayPal-Square Cash shopping days until David Waldman’s birthday! A great time to begin or up your recurring donations to KITM! What will It cost to renovate the ‘Free’ Qatari Air Force One? Don’t ask… but if you were to ask, it’s around $1billion. Is Trump trying to hide that $1billion price tag? Why, yes, he is. Will Trump try to take it home with him? Why bother to ask? Meanwhile plans are underway for the Trump White House Convention Center and Casino. How much will that cost? Who’ll pay for that? You’re full of questions, aren’t you? Trump purports to raise tariffs on Canada. Canada says that news is big if true. South Korea says don’t believe it until you see it. Wisconsin Gop Bryan Steil can’t believe his town halls could boo so loud. Is this any way to run a paper? Jeff Bezos discovers that no, it probably is not. Brilliant boy genius Luke Farritor ingeniously disemboweled the United States government. It’s up to more mature minds to determine if that is what he “should” have been doing.

HEY YOU GUYS! On KITM today, David Waldman spins the hits and reports the latest local and national Epstein news, with traffic and tsunamis on the 10’s. Today’s topic: Why are people talking more and more about John Stafford? Greg Dworkin is back, back in the New York groove, poring over the datum within the data of the polling of the upcoming New York City Mayoral election which will be won by Zohran Mamdani. Does Mamdani say things right, or does he say the right things? Democrats are mostly crap at both, but also aren’t Republicans, so there’s that. The world’s most important mayoral race is under the cloud of a mass shooting, which is not only a test for not-yet-Mayor Mamdani, but he’ll no doubt be graded on everyone else’s mass shootings as well. Donald K. Trump is probably working on ways to work Zohran into his Epstein conversations. Yesterday, Trump settled the whole Epstein mess by explaining that he caught Jeff stealing all the underage babes he had invested in, stored in the Mar-a-Lago basement, and if there was one motto Donald does not believe in, it’s “Bros before hos”. Trump should sue Epstein for all of the money that he lost to Jeff’s “business” … or he could pardon Diddy. That should do it.

David Walman wraps up our July fund drive as we launch our August fund drive later this week. Subscribers who join at our $400 per month tier will get something, even if I have to crochet or bake it. Another day, another cloud of a mass-shooting to broadcast from underneath. If Louisiana Gop John Kennedy manages to enact anti-idiot laws, he’ll be the first on the plane to El Salvador. Minnesota cops avoid clouds of mass-shooting, by waiting for the sun to come out. Trump can’t believe that everyone still wants to talk about Epstein-Epstein-Epstein when instead they should check out his list of Epstein connections, that he personally calls “The Epstein List”. You know who could settle this? The Hannibal Lecter of sex traffickers, Ghislaine Maxwell. The perfect neutral mediator would be Trump’s personal lawyer, now Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche, the very guy to understand the perspectives and priorities of everyone in this case. Dick Durbin peeks from his hidey-hole to shake his fist. Whistleblower evidence suggests that Trump judicial nominee Emil Bove misled Senate, therefore Judge James Boasberg will have to pay. They’re soon going to run out of room at Guantanamo at this rate. Sure, the US seems more criminal and corrupt with each day, but as long as we are graded on the same curve as the Russian Army we’ll be just fine.

Today, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin return to distract you from the real problem, whatever that might be. Another RIP goes out, this time to Tom Lehrer. Some of you know his math, and a few of you might know his cryptography, but many of you know many of his songs, and you owe it to yourself to know many more. Hopefully, this will be an opportunity for some sort of collaboration with Ozzy Osborne. Scotland welcomes Donald K. Trump. They say that the K stands for Knuckle-brained fart lozenge. We say they’re welcome to him. Inexplicably, the Scots keep letting him in. Donald saves on strokes by aiming for his caddy’s back pocket. Independents dislike Trump even more than they dislike Biden. Voters hate what Trump does and hate Democrats for letting him do it. That darn Epstein! Out there, stealing Trump’s glory and/or distracting from his crimes. Trump opens the borders to violent criminals and mass murderers. It isn’t only that MAGA likes rapists and murderers, but it’s how much they like to rape and murder that makes them so deplorable.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin wish you all a joyous and/or contemplative Pioneer Day this year, along with the other 364. (Coincidentally, Jeffery Epstein’s motto was “Bring ‘em young!”) Many questions remain unanswered following Epstein’s untimely demise, but one thing is certain: Donald FN Trump’s name is all over the Epstein files, and he knows it. Gops sneak out the back door and hope no one notices. Democrats follow them out and hope everyone notices. Thus, we are only about a week away from Ghislaine Maxwell’s mysterious death in, or miraculous release from, prison. Sedation, stat! Donald’s meds need to be upped. Tulsi Gabbard makes the US take one for Team Trump. Why supply evidence when the boss says you have proof? Is Trump's treason accusation a confession? Ya figure? Trump pulls a reverse-Jesus and sins so that his followers may live to sin. Gop Mike Lawler will hide in the House, barking, rather than challenge Governor Kathy Hochul. Donald K. Trump is… unpopular, especially among independents, but generally with everyone.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin boost us over any number of humps today. Renown reality TV star/Trump critic/frequent Zakk Wylde bandmate Ozzy Osborne has died at age 76, too soon for most people, but especially for an artist who transformed so many genres while defining his own. Not RIP-ing anytime soon is Jeffery Epstein, who is receiving an amazing number of coverups for a guy who didn’t wear pants half the time. Mike Johnson believed that he could put a fig leaf on anything, but not when even MAGA wants a peek. Congrats go out to Tulsi Gabbard for coming up with a way to keep her paychecks coming during these difficult times. Trump is now wondering who he needs to push out a window to make this all stop. We told you that Alina Habba wasn’t going to keep her job as top federal prosecutor in New Jersey, but the administration is working to make us pre-wrong on that prediction. We also told you about John A. Sarcone III, who is either acting US attorney or assistant to himself, and Albany resident or ghost of the local haunted house. Trump and Japan are signing off on the HUGEST deal ever made, estimated at coming in somewhere between worse and better than nothing. Similarly, drug prices will be set to net consumers up to $150 for each dollar that they spend. I might become a Trumper if this turns out to be true. The rise of Democrats in polls shows that most are not betting on it. Elon Musk will really need to turn up his folksy charm if he wants to get his third party off the ground.

David Waldman brings us the latest old news. That is, it only seems like old news. Trump remains deplorable, as his deplorables keep finding out. But even David’s random country generator for potential Trump hassling seems stuck on several African nations, although Donald might be first to admit that when it comes to African countries, they’re all just a bunch of Nigers to him. Remember Jeffery Epstein? Epstein’s posthumous celebrity is so hot right now, that people are even beginning to recall Ghislaine Maxwell. The Gop House is working so hard to forget Jeff that they have completely forgotten that they are elected representatives. Donald K. Trump hopes that you’ll Pepperidge Farm the Clinton Administration. The Wall Street Journal will not be allowed to watch Trump golf in Scotland because of their Epstein reporting. Back to the story of John A. Sarcone “III”, the loyalist Trump wants as US attorney for upstate New York. Is Sarcone only the “acting” US attorney? Is he an “assistant” with no one to assist? Who cares? What does the law have to do with being an attorney for Trump? Law has nothing to do with being a lawyer for Trump, which is why Two-thirds of the DOJ unit defending Trump policies in court have quit. First, Trump disappeared hundreds of Venezuelans to a Salvadoran Prison. Then, Marco Rubio and Ric Grenell got into a bidding war for them and Grenell’s check bounced. Now, the prisoners have been shuffled off to Venezuela. Were innocent lives art of the dealed?