The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Lisa Richard Serendipidy Tom Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is Mad World NORVAL JOE Billbert felt like Luke Skywalker saving Leia from Jabba the Hutt. He wiped his hands on his pants legs, held them out, and said, “Let’ go.” “I can’t.” Mandi turned away and Billbert followed, floating into the room. “Why not?” he asked, touching down on the bedroom carpet. She turned back to him, her eyes filled with anguish. “John says he’ll kill me and my mother, like he killed my father.” Billbert gasped. “Your father’s dead?” “No,” Mandi said. “He’s in the hospital.” “Then…” Billbert began to ask. Mandi blinked back tears. “John admitted he has been poisoning my father.” TOM It's not common knowledge, but the stars are at war. However, it all happens very, very slowly, so you're hardly likely to notice, but trust me, it's happening. Those meteors you see in the night sky… interstellar ballistic missiles. And comets? Galactic cluster bombs. And those aren't asteroid belts scattered through space, but gigantic minefields. We've mostly nothing to worry about, because we're not stars, are we? Nevertheless, in any war, mistakes can be made. Missiles can go off course, and there is always collateral damage. And when it happens, forget slowly. It'll all be over very, very quickly indeed! SERENDIPIDY It's not common knowledge, but the stars are at war. However, it all happens very, very slowly, so you're hardly likely to notice, but trust me, it's happening. Those meteors you see in the night sky… interstellar ballistic missiles. And comets? Galactic cluster bombs. And those aren't asteroid belts scattered through space, but gigantic minefields. We've mostly nothing to worry about, because we're not stars, are we? Nevertheless, in any war, mistakes can be made. Missiles can go off course, and there is always collateral damage. And when it happens, forget slowly. It'll all be over very, very quickly indeed! RICHARD --- Star Wars --- Never really understood all the fuss about Star Wars. I read the book before I saw the movie, and even then I watched it on TV. I vaguely recall the second one, and all I can remember about the third one: teddy bears, zipping through the forest on skateboards… something like that, anyway. I've not seen any of the prequels, sequels or spin offs, and I've no interest in any of the nonsense around what order you're supposed to watch them, not that I'm ever going to. But, I'll admit the cantina band was awesome. And Princess Leia? Hot stuff! LISA Star Wars I think most people remember their first cinema trip. I went with Nan to see Star Wars. It wasn’t the film that was memorable though. There’d been a spate of attacks and women had been advised to not go out at night. Nan was having none of that – she went out more than ever before. Good on her you’d think; why should she live in fear. But Nan went out with a knife. A big sharp carving knife that wouldn’t even fit in her handbag. She’d brandished it as she walked and got arrested after the film outside the cinema. PLANET Z Back when Star Wars came out, kids would brag about how many times they saw it. Five, ten, fifteen. Stacy said she lost count. Her family ran the drive-through over the county line, where you could sell beer. It used to be a farm out there, but they'd show old movies on a bedsheet on Friday nights in the summer and it grew from there. They built the drive-in, then the liquor store and a nice house from all the money coming in. Their old trailer became a grow house, and we'd smoke weed while watching the original trilogy.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He liked to bop people with anchors. He thought it was amusing. The people whom George bopped with the anchors didn't. When they came to, that is. Quite a few didn't, because getting bopped with an anchor tends to stave in skulls. That's somewhat deadly. Then, their next-of-kin didn't think it all that amusing, with the hassle of planning funerals and all that. Unless, of course, they inherited a share of treasure from their recently-bopped relative. Then, I'm sure the gold and silver helped then get over their grief.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He was heading out of the harbor when a family in an old junk struck his ship. George's ship was fine, for the most part, but the old junk was badly damaged. George felt bad that the man's junk was damaged, but it was the junk that struck his ship, not the other way around. Still, out of sympathy, he offered them a ride back to port. The next day, the family's lawyer came aboard to threaten George with a lawsuit. Without sympathy, George made him walk the plank.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He was constantly roped into an endless series of sidetracks and distractions. Such as the time when he found himself joining a fleet of three Spanish ships heading Westward to India. "Okay, Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria," he said. "Now, which one's the Pinta? I keep confusing it with the Santa Maria." The fleet never made it to India. They ended up wandering around the Caribbean, torturing and enslaving a bunch of natives. George found it all rather brutish and uncivilized, and he went back to being a honest pirate.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Every morning, the captain held an all-hands-on-deck staff meeting. He'd go over important things and ask for input. But every time a pirate suggested anything, the captain shot that pirate down. Literally. The captain drew his flintlock pistol and shot the pirate, and they fell down dead. One pirate raised his hand. "Might I suggest that you stop shooting us when we talk?" he said. "That's an interesting thought," said the captain. "Let me think about it while I reload." The captain finished reloading, and shot that pirate, too.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He made a point of stealing only from the wealthy, and then he'd give away all that he'd stolen to the poor. George got a patronizing letter from Zorro that fully supported his generous nature. "Let me know if you ever raid the seacoasts of Mexico," wrote Zorro. "We'll have a drink." George made a point to frequently steal supplies from warehouses owned by Diego de la Vega, Zorro's real identity. George then gave the supplies to the poor, stealing credit from Zorro. "You're a real dick," wrote Zorro.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. So when the captain promoted him to Assistant Manager, the rest of the crew were all furious. "George may not have basic pirate skills," said the captain. "But he's got people skills." The captain went back to his cabin, put his feet up on his desk, and waited for the crew to hang George. Instead, they beat down his door, dragged him to the deck, and threw a rope around his neck. "George should be captain," said the crew. "People skills," grumbled the captain, as they hoisted him up.

Lisa Richard Lizzie Serendipidy Tom Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is Star Wars LISA Opening Night After centuries keeping marauders out the drawbridge was lifted and Castle Rock Hotel was finally open for business. The battle to turn the Castle into a hotel had been a long one and after extensive remodelling the Charm and character of a period property had been retained. It was so sympathetically modernised the National Trust heralded the project as a masterwork. They’d got rid of mice, woodworm and damp to ensure a warm welcome for guests. Doors, Floors and radiators had been silenced to ensure a good night’s sleep for its patrons so the first review hit hard: ‘Uncomfortable Pillows’. RICHARD --- When You Gotta Go --- How would you like to go? Personally, I've no interest in the usual boring ways. Forget the sudden heart attack, catastrophic stroke, or the Big C, those aren't for me. And let's not go down the route of car accidents, or anything of that sort - just too messy… I want to be recognisable after I'm gone! So, what does that leave us with? A pillow over the face. And I trust that when the time comes, you'll do the job? If not, I guess I'll resort to Plan B: You'll find me frozen solid one morning, naked in the snow. LIZZIE The rules are clear. No pillows, no napping, no jackets. But it's snowing. Yes, so?! So, it's cold. The root of the problem is that people are too squirmish; toughen up! Toughen up, toughen up; my feet hurt, and besides, why no pillows? Find your way to the castle. And why no jackets? Weapons, you could hide them. And why no napping? Because... all these questions. Well, yes, you have a nice warm jacket; and the rules make no sense; the castle is in ruins. OK, you can have a pillow. You know what, get lost, you and your bloody rules. SERENDIPIDY Find yourself a good, young, fresh human being. Nice firm flesh, and without blemish, preferably still warm. Pick a dark winter night to perform the ritual, somewhere bleak and remote and, at midnight under a full moon, bury them deep, naked in the snow. Utter the prayer of making in the ancient language and perform the sacrifice, spilling blood upon the ground. Then wait. In the fullness of time, the corpse will begin to take root; drawing new energy from the fertile earth below. And, come the spring thaw, you can plant your carrots there and have a bumper harvest! TOM Rath Rath was a pheasant … wait he was a Peasant. And as peasant go an extraordinaire peasants. Wait he was extra at being ordinaire. Rath held Fidelity to his lord. Which ment he did the work and the lord got his daily bread out of the deal. So what did Rath get out of the deal. Well protection from hordes of housemen who used peasants for target practice. A serious plus there. E-ticket to tall castle; good. A system of rules set in stone for generations. One man got everything, one man not, because he who has the castle rules. NORVAL JOE Billbert flew to the Withybottom mansion. In the dark of night, it appeared like an abandoned castle in the Scottish wilds. Circling the building, he found a third-floor room with the lights on. He peered through the window and saw Mandi sitting on the end of her bed, clutching a pillow. He tapped the glass. Mandi jumped and ran to the window, opening it. Billbert held onto the windowsill for balance. She looked at Billberts hands. “You probably shouldn't touch that. John has had me locked in my bedroom for a week, and I haven’t had access to a bathroom.” PLANET Z Mario laughed as the giant creature fell into the lava lake. All he had to do now is get the princess out and collect his reward. Except, the towns people said that the woman was not their princess. Their princess was actually in another castle. Mario growled. Then who the fuck is this bitch? He said. The towns people had no idea.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He bought a toaster, put it next to his bunk, and pushed down the button. It popped back up, but there was no toast. He pushed the button again and again, but it kept popping up without producing any toast. The captain patted George on the shoulder. "It would help if you put bread in it to toast." George smacked himself on the forehead. "Right!" He put in two slices of bread and pushed down the button. It was too bad there wasn't anywhere to plug the toaster into.

"George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate." Adam Sandler looked over the script, flipped through the pages, and threw it at his agent. "What is this shit?" said Adam. "It's about a pirate who's not really good at being a pirate," said his agent. "He does all kinds of funny and goofy shit." Adam frowned. "It's fucking retarded. How the hell is that gonna get me an Oscar?" "Mind if I take a look?" said Rob Schneider. "Sure, Rob, go for it," said Adam. A year later, Rob won the Oscar. And Adam fired his agent.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He came up with all kinds of crazy schemes and plans. "If we ram ships into the World Trade Center, we can bring them down," he said. "Why?" asked the captain. "What would be the point?" George thought for a moment. "You're right. It would destroy everything worth looting. It's just evil." George crumpled up his plans and tossed them in the trash. Later that night, a Muslim crewman dug out the plans, photographed them, and sent them to his cousin Khalid. "Tell brother Osama about this," he said.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Still, he was a better pirate than all these posers going around saying "YARRRR!" and "SHIVER ME TIMBERS!" on Talk Like A Pirate Day. It was worse than an Irish pub on St. Patrick's Day. All those amateurs drinking green-colored swill. Disgusting. And if you tried to pinch a pirate for not wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, they'd run you through with their sword. A drunk tourist pointed at George and went "ARRRRRRRR!" George pushed them into the harbor, and we went back to his ship to sleep.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He'd get completely drunk and crawl into a treasure chest, and then he'd close the lid. Sometimes, George had to fold himself up really tight, but he took yoga classes and regularly worked on keeping himself limber and flexible. Then, when his shipmates opened the treasure chest, he'd leap out and yell BOO! Well, that what he'd hoped to do. But usually, he'd kinda flop out of the treasure chest and vomit and pass out. You know, because he was so drunk. Oh, and George got stabbed a lot.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He watched the news and saw the devastation from the hurricane. "If you stay, be sure to write your name and social security number on your arm so we can identify your body," said the mayor. When they called for rescue boats, George hopped in the ship's rowboat and did his best to rescue as many people as possible. "Thank you, George!' they all said. "You're welcome," said George. After the rain stopped and the waters receded, George sold all the names and social security numbers to identity thieves.

Lisa Richard Thomas Lizzie Serendipidy Tom Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is PICK TWO Castle, Rules, Root, Naked in the snow, A pillow LISA Interview with one of the two Plane Crash Survivors “Marie, What an experience. How did you manage to last nearly a year out there?” “For a start we had decent bedding. The contents of people’s cases were amazing. Some real luxury treats in there. We’d made a shelter from part of the plane. Most of the fittings had come loose when it crashed so it was easy to gut it between us.” “Your husband didn’t survive, did he?” No, and I don’t really want to dwell on what we ate but I think things would’ve been much harder to swallow on a budget airline. Having decent cutlery really helped. RICHARD --- Thank you for flying --- I think my budget airline of choice is taking the concept of low-cost a little too far. I understand doing away with cases in the hold, and limiting hand luggage to a single, tiny bag. And I can't really quibble over inadequate legroom and lack of refreshments. I do have concerns, now that they're charging to use the lavatory, and seatbelts are optional extras. And last time I flew I had to pay more, just to sit in a seat. But now I'm drawing the line. I refuse to supply my own elastic band and wind the propeller myself! THOMAS BUDGET AIRLINE SkyGrind Airlines redefined “bare minimum.” Seats? Replaced by communal perches made of recycled truck tires. Windows? Gone. Now, laser prints glued on walls. The fuselage? A patchwork of old billboard vinyl and repurposed garden fencing. Flight attendants were unpaid “SkyVolunteers”—contest winners too dazed to decline. Food? Trays of sandwiches... split among rows. Beverage cart? Lukewarm tap water served in jelly glasses, $3. When the plane tilted, passengers shifted to counterbalance—“dynamic seating,” they called it. Landing gear? Yoga mats. Yet people flew SkyGrind. Why? Tickets cost less than a vending machine burrito. Comfort was a luxury. Survival, an upsell. LIZZIE Low cost. This is what you get. A hole on the side of the plane through which two people were sucked out. Three more held on to their seats, one of them with a hole on his head instead. "Transfer the money or else", they said. The company chose the "or else" obviously. Now, they had to transfer a ton of money, but to the families of the deceased. One of the relatives laughed all the way to the bank. "Transfer the money or transfer the money. From low cost to premium, plus the inheritance, that's how you do business." SERENDIPIDY So, there you are, enjoying the in-flight entertainment, complementary drink and snacks, congratulating yourself on ditching the budget airline and splashing out on this particular trip. Until there's a shudder and sudden sickening drop. The engines start to scream, along with the passengers, oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, and the plane plunges towards the ground. Then, over the tannoy, you hear the captain's calm, reassuring voice: "Brace for impact!" By the way, I'm the captain on this flight, and the reason I'm so calm is because I have a parachute. Happy landings… I'll see you on the ground! NORVAL JOE His mother took the phone from Billbert’s hand. “Hello. I’m June Weinerheimer and a woman from Child Health and Welfare took Sabrina Hecksaohos from our home to place her with a foster family. May I speak with the supervisor?” “I’m sorry. Ms. Pickenpaw took a budget airline flight to Mexico a week ago and hasn’t been heard from since. According to privacy policy, only she can give you any information.” Billbert took his phone when his mother disconnected. “I know where Mandi lives. I’m going to look for her.” His mother nodded. “I’ll do what I can to find Sabrina.” TOM Come Fly With Me Lenny had just made it to junior partner at Wilcons Spencer and Dakmen. He walking into the room with an air of absolute convictio...

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He spent very little time pirating and too much time thinking. He has a lot of bad ideas. "That would be like trying to change a car engine while you're driving it down the freeway," said the captain. "But we're in a ship, not a car," said George. "You can pull down the sails and replace them without much of a problem. Or replace the rudder with another." The captain nodded, but pointed at the rapidly approaching British Navy. "Can you hurry up with the sails and rudder, please?"

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. The governor called for evacuations because of an imminent hurricane, so a lot of people ran out of gas on the freeways and got stuck. George convinced pirates to pick up as many people as they could and sail away to safety. Of course, the pirates held the people for ransom, but were reasonable and offered hurricane discounts. And it wasn't exactly brutal kidnapping, either. Most just partied and had a good time on their boats. "That was great!" most people said. "I can't wait for the next hurricane!"

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He'd sit on the rocks by the shore, talking to Cassandra, the last of the mermaids. They'd trade stories while watching the sun go down. One day, Cassandra never showed up. George assumed that she'd gone through The Emerald Gate, never to return. But she'd actually gotten tangled in a Japanese fishing trawler's net. For years, she traveled in a freakshow carnival. Telling her stories to the crowds. Leaping through hoops, singing her songs. George eventually found her, but she was happy with her life. George smiled and left.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. But he was a genius compared to the dimwits at the drive-through. George pulled the ship up to the speaker, lowering sails and dropping anchor. He assumed that the noise was someone trying to say "Can I take your order?" George read the list he'd gotten from his crewmates, but the speaker kept interrupting him. "Can't I just pull up and give you this list?" More static barely resembling human speech. George pulled up anyway, and handed over the list. "Next time, we order Uber Eats," said the captain.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He never learned The Pirate Code. So, the time when he ended up in prison, he was woken up by the strange tapping on the stone wall. He'd summon the guards to complain, and the guards would nod and open the cell next to him. "I was trying to tell you that we're breaking out tonight, you idiot!" shouted the prisoner being dragged off. "Oh, okay!" shouted George back. "Thank you!" George slept peacefully... until he heard the chiseling in the wall. He summoned the guards to complain again.